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Thank you to all the people who responded to my call-out for dilemmas, whether serious or otherwise! I edited your messages slightly just to make them shorter and to the point. To submit a problem, email me: hbavidge@gmail.com

Dear HBL, my weight fluctuates so much and I don’t feel sexy naked any more. I’m stuck in a cycle where I feel bad about myself, so I don’t look after myself, and it’s affecting me everyday.

I understand exactly how you feel – I’ve definitely gone through that. What we have here are two separate problems, but they are closely interlinked and can be solved using the same methods. I take a holistic approach to health, and personally find that when I gain weight it is because I’ve stopped listening to what my body needs; you know, eating for convenience and not maintaining balance. Listen to your body, not your mind and try to block out its tricksy negative thoughts. Listen to your body and nourish it with whole foods and lots of water and your weight will stabilise.

Do yoga to make space in your spine and hips so you stand taller and move with grace and freedom; the psychological benefits of good posture can’t be underestimated. Focus on how your body feels when you give it nothing but goodness and praise. Wake every morning with the intention that you’ll treat your body with the kindness and nourishment it deserves. Feeling sexy will follow as you become more in touch with the desires of the body.

I need some advice about a guy I’ve been seeing. Well, we’re not “seeing” but sleeping together and speaking every day. The problem is, despite him telling me for months how I was the “perfect girl”, he’s suddenly gone cold on me. I tried to end things with him because the change in him was confusing and hurtful, but he protested, saying he was sorry, he had commitment issues and he still really liked me. I’ve tried to have faith in him but nothing has changed. He’s still being weird and off and I don’t get why he went from 100 to 0 over night. What can I do to get things back to how they were?

Sorry sis, but you need to get rid. Cut the umbilical cord that connects your patience, willingness and kindness to his overfed, overindulged ego.

Forget about trying to make him commit to you; you need to make some commitments to yourself. Commit to never being treated like a piece of furniture – taken out, used, and then put back in storage when it’s no longer convenient to have you around. Commit to removing yourself from situations that leave you questioning yourself. Don’t allow yourself to be a benchwarmer.

It’s a truth that I’ve personally had to learn and relearn over and over: if someone truly cares for you and wants to be in your life, they will be. No excuses. Please, don’t waste your time wondering why he changed. There are people who use words as tools to manipulate, carefully selecting each one and applying it deftly to create the desired effect. You’ll never know what was real and what was fluff, so don’t lose a second trying to figure it all out. I know these words just sound like platitudes, but they are the truth. He might realise what he lost, he might not. Either way, you won’t care.

It’s always a bummer having to give up regular sex, but don’t forget: dick is like pocket change – low value and very easy to come by.

I’m 5′ 10″ and feel huge – I just want to be petite like other girls. When will I be cool with being tall af?

This made me sad. The wording of your message: “when will I be cool with..?” is a good start I suppose – you realise it’s a mindset shift that is required.

Look, the grass is always greener. My best friend is a tall, bronze goddess with the longest legs I’ve ever seen. When we walk in, everyone’s head turns to look at her. I’m 5′ 2″. I might as well be invisible. Grass = greener.

You need to learn to not see your height as a flaw, but enjoy how it makes you stand out. People worship height: it implies authority, capability and confidence. We are biologically programmed to find tall people more attractive! I’m sorry I can’t offer much in the way of prescriptive advice. So, you better get cool with being tall af soon, because it isn’t about to change. You just have to embrace it, enjoy the attention and use it.

Hi HBL, long time listener, first time caller. Is it ever ok to masturbate in the toilets of your office if a) you keep quiet and b) don’t get caught? I’ve taken to splashing cold water on my face and googling images of Theresa May for now, but make haste.

Sorry, but no, it is categorically never ok to masturbate in the toilets at work! You can wait, surely. However, if you really must, you have to make sure no one hears or suspects a thing. Presumably you’re not going to labour over it, y’know, make a session of it, so get in and get out as quickly as possible. Going forward, perhaps you could ask your line manager to increase your workload, or time your morning masturbatory activities for right before you leave the house. That should tide you over!




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